My Marriage Class Blog

This week in our class we read an article by Richard B. Miller, titled “Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families”. This talk was given at a BYU Conference on Family Life. Towards the beginning of the article he says, “In healthy, well-functioning families, there is a clear hierarchy between parents and children. Parents are the “executive committee” and the “board of directors” of a family. As with any other leadership position, parents should not be harsh, domineering, or dictatorial, but they are the leaders of the family, and the children need to follow that leadership.” This was a great insight to me as I feel this is commonly misunderstood. Today it is trendy to make sure you are on the same level as your children and focus on being their friend more than their parent. This quote criticizes  that mindset. As parents we need to make sure we are not dictators to our children. As children we need to be respectful and obedient to our parents. Another quote from the st...

        Many people think of cheating on your spouse as only interacting with others who are not your spouse in a physically sexual way. That is a very serious form of cheating on your spouse, but NOT the only way. There is also emotional infidelity.              In the talk “Fidelity in Marriage” by Kenneth W. Matheson a professor of Social Work at Brigham Young University, emotional fidelity is outlined. He says, “Fidelity includes refraining from physical contact—but that is not all. Fidelity also means complete commitment, trust, and respect between husband and wife. Inappropriate interactions with another person can erode fidelity.”              When we turn to a co-worker or friend or someone of the opposite gender other than our spouse for emotional connection, flirting, fantasies, or comfort, or anything else that we should gain from ou...

This week we wrapped up our readings in Goddard’s book, “Drawing Heaven into Our Marriages,” and Gottman's book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work". I highly recommend that everyone married or not read those books, as they give valuable knowledge about being a better person and having better relationships. To me, one of the main reasons we are here on Earth are to grow and nurture family relationships and friend relationships as we are all part of God's family.  In chapter eleven of Gottman’s book he talks about the concept of “gridlock”. A gridlock problem is when neither person can make any headway in getting the other to understand and respect their perspective, much less agree with it. This can be a common problem in most relationships and so it is important that we understand what it is and can solve it. Something I found comforting is that you do not have to solve the problem to get past gridlock. The goal to overcome gridlock is that y...

             This week in my Marriage class we discussed various types of marital problems, forgiveness, and anger. What struck me the most was the topic of anger. Anger is something I have thought a lot about the past two years because I have decided that I want to never lash out in anger again. Becoming angry can make us feel and say things we would not normally say if we were calm. It has been said that “anger is a yielding to Satan’s influence by surrendering our self-control”. We studied a talk given by Lynn G. Robins titled “Agency and Anger”. This talk had a profound influence on me. Agency is the ability to choose, and so Lynn G. Robbins explained that we can choose whether we are angry or not. He said, “Becoming angry is a conscious choice, a decision; therefore, we can make the choice not to become angry.” There is no such thing as someone making us angry or simply losing our temper. We can control how we act because we have been given the a...

  Pride. It is common when we hear that word that we often first do not think of ourselves, but someone else who we feel is guilty of being prideful. That is a common way to know if we are guilty of pride or not. We learn from previous president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, Ezra Taft Benson, that there is no such thing as righteous pride. All pride is sin. Pride is feeling enmity towards God and others. Pride causes us to have feelings of selfishness, gossip, look down on others, and criticize others.             The opposite of pride in a marriage is turning to and valuing your spouse. A spouse who does not listen to their spouse and take their input can be found guilty of pride. In Gottman’s book,  The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work , he says “statistically speaking when a man is not willing to share power with his partner there is an 81% percent chance that this marriage will ...

In Gottman's book, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" he talks about how couples are always making "bids" for each other's attention, affection, humor, and/or support. Examples of this would be asking for help with the dishes, asking for a back rub, or attempting to talk about your day. A spouse can respond to this by either turning towards or away from their spouse. Gotten says, "A tendency to turn towards your partner is the basis of trust, emotional connection, passion, and a satisfying sex life." This is saying that we want to turn towards instead of against our spouse because we want to feel connected and that love for our spouse. This week in my class we are getting the opportunity to track our "bids" in our marriage. This was interesting for me as I had previously never thought of the times I asked by husband to sit by me or that he asked me to help him do something that were "bidding" for each other. Th...