My Marriage Class Blog

                    In my class this week one of the blog writing prompts to get my brain flowing was this: "When a couple gets married the Lord’s way they build eternal relationships — relationships that will never end. If we and extended family are true to temple covenants, not only will the husband-wife relationship be eternal, so will our ties with extended family and in-laws. Having said this, an important question arises: “How important is it to you to build close relationship with your in-laws?” Building close relationships may require time, effort, patience, and forgiveness. It may be difficult."            The first part shares AMAZING doctrine! We will be with our spouse for all eternity when we build it the Lord’s way. And on top of that, our relationships with our family members will also be eternal. It is crucial that we build close relationships with in-laws.       ...

This week in our class we read an article by Richard B. Miller, titled “Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families”. This talk was given at a BYU Conference on Family Life. Towards the beginning of the article he says, “In healthy, well-functioning families, there is a clear hierarchy between parents and children. Parents are the “executive committee” and the “board of directors” of a family. As with any other leadership position, parents should not be harsh, domineering, or dictatorial, but they are the leaders of the family, and the children need to follow that leadership.” This was a great insight to me as I feel this is commonly misunderstood. Today it is trendy to make sure you are on the same level as your children and focus on being their friend more than their parent. This quote criticizes  that mindset. As parents we need to make sure we are not dictators to our children. As children we need to be respectful and obedient to our parents. Another quote from the st...

        Many people think of cheating on your spouse as only interacting with others who are not your spouse in a physically sexual way. That is a very serious form of cheating on your spouse, but NOT the only way. There is also emotional infidelity.              In the talk “Fidelity in Marriage” by Kenneth W. Matheson a professor of Social Work at Brigham Young University, emotional fidelity is outlined. He says, “Fidelity includes refraining from physical contact—but that is not all. Fidelity also means complete commitment, trust, and respect between husband and wife. Inappropriate interactions with another person can erode fidelity.”              When we turn to a co-worker or friend or someone of the opposite gender other than our spouse for emotional connection, flirting, fantasies, or comfort, or anything else that we should gain from ou...

This week we wrapped up our readings in Goddard’s book, “Drawing Heaven into Our Marriages,” and Gottman's book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work". I highly recommend that everyone married or not read those books, as they give valuable knowledge about being a better person and having better relationships. To me, one of the main reasons we are here on Earth are to grow and nurture family relationships and friend relationships as we are all part of God's family.  In chapter eleven of Gottman’s book he talks about the concept of “gridlock”. A gridlock problem is when neither person can make any headway in getting the other to understand and respect their perspective, much less agree with it. This can be a common problem in most relationships and so it is important that we understand what it is and can solve it. Something I found comforting is that you do not have to solve the problem to get past gridlock. The goal to overcome gridlock is that y...

             This week in my Marriage class we discussed various types of marital problems, forgiveness, and anger. What struck me the most was the topic of anger. Anger is something I have thought a lot about the past two years because I have decided that I want to never lash out in anger again. Becoming angry can make us feel and say things we would not normally say if we were calm. It has been said that “anger is a yielding to Satan’s influence by surrendering our self-control”. We studied a talk given by Lynn G. Robins titled “Agency and Anger”. This talk had a profound influence on me. Agency is the ability to choose, and so Lynn G. Robbins explained that we can choose whether we are angry or not. He said, “Becoming angry is a conscious choice, a decision; therefore, we can make the choice not to become angry.” There is no such thing as someone making us angry or simply losing our temper. We can control how we act because we have been given the a...

  Pride. It is common when we hear that word that we often first do not think of ourselves, but someone else who we feel is guilty of being prideful. That is a common way to know if we are guilty of pride or not. We learn from previous president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, Ezra Taft Benson, that there is no such thing as righteous pride. All pride is sin. Pride is feeling enmity towards God and others. Pride causes us to have feelings of selfishness, gossip, look down on others, and criticize others.             The opposite of pride in a marriage is turning to and valuing your spouse. A spouse who does not listen to their spouse and take their input can be found guilty of pride. In Gottman’s book,  The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work , he says “statistically speaking when a man is not willing to share power with his partner there is an 81% percent chance that this marriage will ...

In Gottman's book, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" he talks about how couples are always making "bids" for each other's attention, affection, humor, and/or support. Examples of this would be asking for help with the dishes, asking for a back rub, or attempting to talk about your day. A spouse can respond to this by either turning towards or away from their spouse. Gotten says, "A tendency to turn towards your partner is the basis of trust, emotional connection, passion, and a satisfying sex life." This is saying that we want to turn towards instead of against our spouse because we want to feel connected and that love for our spouse. This week in my class we are getting the opportunity to track our "bids" in our marriage. This was interesting for me as I had previously never thought of the times I asked by husband to sit by me or that he asked me to help him do something that were "bidding" for each other. Th...

This week in class we learned about love maps from the book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage work" by John Gottman. When I first read that we would be learning about love maps, I was confused because I did not know what that could possibly be. I quickly learned that it is a simple term that is crucial to a great marriage.  A love map is the part of the brain where you store all of the revenant information about your partner's life. When you have a detailed love map you know much about your spouse's dreams, hopes, weaknesses, strengths, likes, dislikes, and many facts about them. In his book Gottman says, "The more you know and understand about each other, the easier it is to keep connected as life swirls around you." I have only been married for a month (I know that's nothing compared to most people) but I can already see how that is true. My husband and I are both so busy with work, school and so many tasks that pile up everyday. It is hard ...

In 2007 at a general conference held by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin shared a story about an elderly couple who had been married for a long time. The women's health was declining in her old age. He quotes, " Because the wife was slowly losing her sight, she could no longer take care of herself the way she had done for so many years. Without being asked, the husband began to paint her fingernails for her. “He knew that she could see her fingernails when she held them close to her eyes, at just the right angle, and they made her smile. He liked to see her happy, so he kept painting her nails for more than five years before she passed away.” That is an example of the pure love of Christ. Sometimes the greatest love is not found in the dramatic scenes that poets and writers immortalize. Often, the greatest manifestations of love are the simple acts of kindness and caring we extend to those we meet along the path of life."  ...

This week in class we continued to study the wonderful topic of.....marriage! One of the talks we read and pondered was called "Covenant Marriage" by Bruce C. Hafen. This is a talk I recommend for all to read and enjoy. Within this talk he talked about the difference between contract and covenant companions. Contract companions go into the marriage focusing on what they are going to get out of the marriage. They promise to do something only on the terms that their spouse does something in return or first. A contract companion only gives 50% expecting their spouse to give the other 50%.  Covenant companions go into the marriage committing to their spouse and to the Lord that they are going to be faithful and devoted. They give 100% to their marriage as well as their companion gives 100% to the marriage. They do not focus on what they can take from their marriage but instead focus on helping their spouse be happy and grow. As they give they are benefited, more united with ...

 This week in class I was able to read the Supreme Courts decision on the case of    Obergefell v. Hodges Links to an external site. In addition to studying this I also read other addresses by church leaders, particularly one by Russell M. Nelson who is now the president and prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  In 2014, Russell M. Nelson said, “God is the Father of all men and women. They are His children. It was He who ordained marriage as the union of a man and a woman. Marriage was not created by human judges or legislators. It was not created by think tanks or by popular vote or by oft-quoted bloggers or by pundits. It was not created by lobbyists. Marriage was created by God!” I love how clear and direct this quote is, there is no questioning who created marriage after reading this. As followers of Christ, we should stand up for everything that is good and of God. Marriage is of God, and therefore we need to stand up for it! Many pe...

Hello, my name is Shelby! Two days from now I am going to marry my best friend David and cannot wait! He is the sweetest man I have ever met, and am lucky that I get to be his wife forever!! I am currently taking a class about marriage and get to use this blog as a tool to share what I am learning with others and also benefit from keeping a record of what insights are striking me the most! This week in class we watched a few video clips and read a couple talks by church leaders and scholarly articles.   In “State of Our Unions Marriage in 2012” it stated that most Americans know that the divorce rate is about 50%, but they do not know that in most cases the chance of it is far below that in reality. These are the statistics they gave that show the lower percentage chance of someone getting a divorce: Annual income over $50,000 (vs. under $25,000) -30% Having a baby seven months or more after marriage (vs. before marriage) -24% Marrying over 25 years of age (vs. under 18)...